Providence

I am about to begin my level 1 training to become a Life Purpose Coach. I was amazed at how the money to pay for this level just seemed to show up in my check book. A bit of overtime here, squeezing grocery money tight there, giving up the egg Mcmuffin in the morning, and not buying any books for two months...it all added up to having exactly enough to pay for the first level. The second level tuition isn't as much and I wasn't too worried, but the 3rd level is twice as much as the first level plus requires a trip to California and a 4-5 day stay in a hotel in Laguna Beach. Seem so out of reach for me. Well last night I did my budget for the next year and realized that I have finally caught up with bills that were "creative accounting practices" during my 6 month unemployment stint. It looks like I will have enough to pay for the tuition, plane ticket, hotel, food, and even a bit of spending money. Whoo hoo. It will be good to see how God continues to help provide for this trip. It will be a really tight 3 months - and part of the reason I can save this much is that I will hold off on setting up the state health insurance policy that costs waaaay too much until after I get back in March. I pray that God will keep me healthy and safe so that I will not need any health care. I know that this is a Russian roulette kind of thing, but right now, level 3 training or no, I can't afford the state health insurance until March anyway. When I tell myself "God will provide" I am not being flippant, it is a prayer of faith.

Rejoicing in God's Giftings

Today during worship CB sang a solo. Using a soundtrack for the first part of the song and accompyaning by playing accoustic guitar later I watched as he struggled during the soundtrack part to not play the guitar. It struck me how much a part of himself his talent and giftings are. It made me think about the giftings and talents that God has given us and how many of us don't even know what they are much less use them and so few ever release them in their lives enough to have to struggle to not have them pour out of our lives in an unconscious stream. This is what I stopped to write in my journal.

"What an amazing thing to see God's people reveling in the giftings he has bestowed on us. To enjoy and use the giftings God has given us - what more is there?

What would it be like if all God's children could experinece this? What would it be like if I could be a part of helping women find this release and purpose in their lives?"

Ministry vs Relationships

"People won't remember what you did. People won't remember what you said. But people will remember how you made them feel." ---Maya Angelou

Something happened to me last night that God used in a powerful way. A friend canceled out for the second time at the last minute for a meeting with me. A meeting that was part of her ministry calling, helping me to clarify God's purpose in my life. That friend was busy both times with ministry stuff that had to be done. I understand. I have and am there. Please understand that this entry is not about her, not about criticizing or judging her. I completely understand where she is right now, and it will not effect our friendship. There is no question about forgiveness I forgave her the minute she called to tell me that she couldn't make the appointment. But it hurt my feelings. That "to do things" was more important than me. Ok that is a bit of a pride thing, I know, and it is my problem not hers to deal with.

But as I drove home thinking about this God began to show me in my life how I had let this (keeping busy with ministry stuff) become such a part of my life lately. Being busy, doing things, ministry things, things for God. I had become so busy I had no room for relationships. God began to show me what His heart was. How he desired ministry to look like.

I have felt God's call into ministry since the summer before I went into high school. That was in 1970. It has taken this long to figure out how a woman (a single one at that) can serve in a ministry capacity in the church (or anywhere else for that matter) beyond being a pastor's wife, a missionary, or working with children; none of which I felt called to do, no matter how hard I tried to feel that particular calling). It has also taken that long for God to build in me a foundation for ministry and show me what it is he has put in my heart to tell the world. But I am getting sidetracked. Since it feels like soon God will be releasing me to work in a "ministry", eventually even full time, I have been thinking a lot about what that may mean and what it will look like. To me, to people around me, to God. Most of all to God. Last night God gave me a glimpse into what is so important to the people around you that you are ministering to. Especially when you don't have time to minister to them because you are to busy doing the things, the stuff, that comes with being responsible for a ministry. What God showed me last night, what has been in my mind and heart all night, a restless night, all morning, is this:

"People are more important than ministry"

There will always be paperwork to do, deadlines to do, to do lists to get accomplished. There will always be stuff to do. But a ministry is nowhere if you don't have the people you are to be ministering to.

When I couldn't sleep, I got up to pray and read my Bible - I knew I wouldn't sleep until I heard what Father was trying to whisper in my heart. The story about the shepherd and the lost lamb came to mind. (John 15:1-7) I know that references Jesus' heart for us. But for the first time I saw another application. (Don't you just love the Word? It has so many ways to speak to your life at any given moment!?) The shepherd had a lot of responsibilities, a whole list of things to do, 99 other sheep to look after, feed, protect, probably even a dog or two to help with the keeping the sheep together. Surely one little lamb gone missing was less important than those other 99, and what about the helpers, those dogs...He was responsible for the dogs too. But the shepherd chose to leave all that go to find that lost lamb; to spend time making sure that one lamb was taken care of at that moment in time.

Another verse that came to mind was John 15:13. To lay down our life for our friends. Traditionally this references what Jesus has done for us. I also have thought about it meaning that you love someone enough to die for them. But last night, I also wondered what other applications it might have to life today as we know it.

I looked up the definition of lay. Quite an array of meanings. But at the bottom was the definition for lay down

lay down
To give up and surrender: laid down their arms.
To specify: laid down the rules.
To store for the future.
Nonstandard To lie down

Now the opportunities for dying for people may not be many. But the opportunity to give up surrender my own agenda to spend time with them - priceless. I would like to look up the Greek word for this passage "to lay down your life". But last night God stirred in my heart, broke open in my heart a new way to think about ministry. Now I have always known this on a certain level. Of course, ministry IS about people. But sometimes we can't tell that because of all the busy-ness or the business of ministry. Rushing around to get things done. But when you drill down, at the bottom, the bottom line, ministry is people, one person at a time. That is what God broke my heart open to last night. That is what broke my heart when I realized how much I have not known that. How many times I have felt that people are intruding on my time; don't they understand I have responsibilities, things to do, deadlines to meet? This has shook me to the foundation and laid me bare and helpless in front of an all loving God who would consider tapping me on the shoulder to show me this important lesson. It broke my heart as He brought to mind the tone in my Father's voice last week when I told him I was too busy at church to find a night to go to his house to spend time visiting with him, or the look on my mother's face as I ran out the door to another meeting at church, her saying you aren't going to be home tonight...Again? I miss you when you aren't here. Or the women in my small group that I lead that I haven't had the time to email encouragement and a note that they are missed when they haven't been able to come to group.

Drill down: people; one person at a time; this is what ministry is all about; what it is only about.

Thank you Father for showing me this, help me to never forget this. I admit that I have been and am prone to getting caught up in the things of life and forgetting the people of life. I have failed miserably in this. Help me to see the singular person in the sea of people. Help me to see the singular of ministry, not the business or the busy-ness. Forgive me for putting my to-do list above people; the individuals you have put in my path, your precious children, your precious creations, your precious souls you want to draw into your kingdom. Never let me forget this lesson in the rush of daily life.

Be Still and Know that I am God

Psalms 46:10 I love this verse. I know that it is talking about how God will be exalted, but it is also a vese that seems to always come to mind during the times when I let myself get so busy doing what it seems to me to be the "Lord's work". But in reality I am just meeting myself coming...and I have lost focus in much of my life. "Be still and know that I am God" God wants me to make time to be still. Why is that such a foreign concept in this day and age? Why does it produce such feelings of guilt - taking time to stop all the activity in our lives and just be still and know that he is God? There are seasons in my life that are busy, but then there needs to be seasons of rest, seasons when I reatreat and listen to the sweet voice of God, times of refreshment, times of rejuinivation, times of hearing direction, even times of getting questions answered and times of correction. But that doesn't, can't happen going at the speed of light. Too many times I keep going at a breakneck pace doing what I have always been doing without stoping to ask if this is what I am still suppose to be doing. I am grateful I am connected to a body of believers who support the idea of evaluating the things you are involved in and making sure that is where God still is directing you to be and doing what what you are doing, and if not having and supporting the changes and adjustments you need to make.

I am feeling that I need to get off for a time of retreat, a time of just God and I, my Bible and a journal and just pray, write, and listen to God. Sometimes I battle with being so capable. It is so easy to just slip into my own strengtth and keep on going. My desire is to always take time to hear His voice. To make adjustments along the way. Why is it so hard for me? It is like when you are traveling with a man and he doesn't want to look at a map or ask for directions. Sometimes you realise that maybe you have missed a turn off somewhere, that you are generally going in the same direction you have been, but somehow you know that it isn't quite right anymore either. (Of course you would never use the "L" word - with him or with yourself) You may get to see a lot of scenery, you may even get to do some fantastic things, and quite possibly you might even get to your destination...but it may take a lot longer, a lot of backtracking, a lot of anxiety over being lost too. Life is too short to have to take unnecessary detours. I have had my share of detours. I am ready to see and hear what it is God wants for the 2nd half centry of my life. No more, no less.

Which Book of the Bible are You by Quizilla

A little levity here. I found this at one of those crazy quiz sites...Amazing...Ephesians...a lot to live up to.


You are Ephesians.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Worship

So this is a record of thoughts and musing about my time during prayer and worship and Bible study. Those wonderful whisperings that you hear from the Spirit, the secrets God whispers into your heart if you take the time to be still enough to listen. The times of wrestling, tears - both of joy and sadness. The things you can only learn "in the garden of the spirit".

The longer I am a believer, the more I learn how important prayer is and how difficult it is to make enough time in your life for it. I have had such a desire to spend more time in prayer lately. To really press into the Spirit to hear what He is saying. But also I am desiring to develop a personal worship time. After all the years at CFC and the wonderful worship times we had, I have missed that corporate worship immensly. I have not found a body of believers that worship as long and as freely as we did there. But one of the drawbacks I have learned since leaving is that I never really developed a personal time of just worshiping. Not prayer, but just plain worshiping God. Full out, unhindered, up close and personal between God and I. Not much is talked about in developing a personal worship time with God. But I do see that Jesus modeled that. The first thing in the Lord's prayer, when the deciples asked Jesus to teach them how to pray was to worship God. "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy name." Holy be His name.

I find it challenging to worship privately. I have a terrible singing voice. But I am convinced that God is not interested in that, but in my heart. Worship puts the focus on Him and who He is, not on me, my needs, desires, or wants. Not on my weaknesses, shortcommings, sins. It focuses my thoughts, heart, and attention on Him alone. His majesty, His greatness. It is no wonder that there were so many names for God in the Old Testament Hebrew language. They all seem to describe an aspect of God worthy of worship. I want to get to know that part, that side of God....not just coming to him in prayer asking all the time. Even when my asking isn't for me, even when the asking is in line with His desires for this world (ie: His name being glorified, salvation, etc)...it still puts me in the frame of mind of getting from God. Worship puts me in my place in my relationship with Him. It reminds me of How magnificent He is...how wonderful it is to be able to approach him in worship.